Today should’ve been considered a good day, at least I think so but for some reason I just don’t feel it.
It’s my day off, I spent the morning with my cats, cleaned up a bit, played one of my favorite games for a while and then went out to lunch with my family. Sure, I was a bit disappointed because the place we went to I didn’t like but I was still able to eat some small sides that were offered that tasted decent.
After our lunch we went to the theaters where we watched Bullet Train. It was my second time watching it, but it was a movie I ended up liking a lot, so I didn’t mind rewatching it a bit. We went back home, and my family went to get some ice-cream and snacks, but I decided to go my own way and get a drink from my favorite place, Dunkin. I got my drink and went to my second favorite place, Walmart, but somewhere along the way I just felt the feeling I dreaded the most. I was sad. I tried telling myself there was no reason to be sad, I mean I had a good day, right?
I was doing the things that I enjoyed doing so why was I feeling so sad? But I felt the impulsiveness creeping up, since I was now walking around in Walmart I suddenly wanted to spend. One of the worst impulsive things I do is reckless spending. I’m almost $2000 in debt right now from doing exactly that. It took everything I had to drop the things I had and walk out that door. I knew I had a very dangerous spending habit and for a second I felt proud I was able to do that until I remembered there was such thing as Online Shopping. I start scrolling through Amazon, Etsy and so on just putting everything in my cart. I was convincing myself that I really wanted it and I could just put it on my credit card and pay it later or worse, do after pay which is a 4-payment installment. Everything in me was telling me to do it and convincing myself that I just “needed it” and I had to remind myself that every single time I give in, I regret it. I regret telling myself I’ll pay it off because every time payday comes, my check goes towards paying off my impulsive mistakes and then I’m left with nothing.
Not having money for myself was enough to stop myself from submitting that online order. I got in my car and did the second worse thing I could do, I played sad music. It’s always a hit or miss when I do this, sometimes sad music helps and sometimes I just end up feeling worse. This time I ended up putting myself in the worst mood. I kept telling myself “Hey, you went out watched a good movie, why on earth are you so down?”. I stopped myself so many times from telling my boyfriend because I feel like I’m way to emotionally dependent on him and I know it’s something I need to work on.
My boyfriend doesn’t mind it, he always tells me to tell him every single time, but I feel like it’s best if I hold back. I mean a person can only take so much, I’m afraid that if I constantly vent to him, I’ll just be draining him, and he’ll just end up associating me with something negative. It’s hard not to turn to him, especially cause right now he’s the only person I have. I don’t have friends anymore and it doesn’t help that I’m in a completely new state and don’t know a single person here.
I feel miserable and I know he can help but I just know I need to break that habit. Breaking bad habits are hard, but I know I CAN eventually get there. Now my next problem, is venting about this on a public blog just as bad? It feels therapeutic but at the same time am I just depending on strangers to make me feel better? I feel like it’s not my intention but maybe it subconsciously is?
I’m still currently struggling. I just feel so sad, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried doing my favorite activities, but nothing is helping me. I hate feeling this way and being so alone. I wish I could break it down and get to the root of it, but I feel like it’s something that’s going to be there forever.
I don’t know where to start and I don’t know what to do. Do I seek therapy? Do I meditate and try to “fix” this on my own? Right now, I feel lost, so incredibly and painfully lost. But it has to get better, right? If you acknowledge there’s a problem and try to fix it, it just HAS to get better?